Holistic Care for Carers

Posted By Alannah Dore on January 14, 2010

‘Holistic Living’ is a way to care for ourselves and others. For if we are truly going to be successful in caring for others it will only work in the longterm by starting with ourselves, continuing with ourselves and ending with ourselves.

Its easy to say but not easy to do because we live in a culture that does not promote a balanced view of caring. Its either cool to be selfish and cynical or selfish to put self above others.

I remember when my children were little and they took their oath at Girl Guides. “I promise to do my best, to do my duty, to always put others before myself….” After the first child, I picked this up and before the next two joined this wonderful organisation as fully fledged members, I had a little preparity chat with each of them. It went something like this.

“Now when you get to the bit that says ‘And I promise to put others before myself..’ you can just sort of mumble that bit”. Of course they knew why. I was not raising my children as Martyrs. I was raising them as caring people who could maintain balance. The Martyr stage in my life left long ago after I saw the consequences in others around me that suffered, in my opinion, due to imbalanced beliefs about caring.

Am I teaching them to be selfish?
Selfishness does not come from self love. Selfish behaviour is a result of inner sadness and a sense of lack of love. This may look simliar at first but look more closely and the intentions are totally the opposite. One behaviour comes from quiet confidence and apprecaition of self and others while the other behaviour comes from woundedness and disconnection.

When we are raising and caring for children or caring for anyone for that matter, the best way we can teach others is leading by example. Fill our own tank up and we have something to show others and something to give to others. If we don’t, then eventually the tank runs dry and when an emotional tank runs dry it usually grows resentment and maybe even depression.

Here are some core concepts that accompany successful self care and ultimately more succesful care of others, through Holistic Living.

 All life’s experiences are opportunities for personal growth

 ‘I am responsible for my life and what happens in it’. Others are responsible for
their lives. This is a tough one for many because it is difficult to take responsibility for choices we have made un-consciously in our lives

 All aspects of me affect each other (my body affects my thinking, my emotions affect my body, my thinking affects my emotions, my body affects my emotions, my emotions affect my thinking………..)

 Seemingly, contradictory beliefs and modalities can happily co-exist, providing
love is their foundation and continues to be their goal

 To love fully requires emotional honesty with self and others
To be emotionally honest requires permission to be vulnerable

Category: Aged-care, Caring for Aging Parent, Depression Symptoms, Disability Care, Emotional Health, Family, Friends, Healthy Lifestyle, Holistic Education - Holistic Solutions, Holistic Health and Wellbeing, Holistic Living, Life Lessons, Living Essentials, No Fear, Nursing Care, Parenting, Pet Care, Stress | 2 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Alannah Dore on January 5, 2010

Worrying about someone having an anxiety attack ironically can fuel our own anxiety if we let it.
It is natural to worry and doubt our ability to handle situations we know little about. So the first thing to do is to FIND OUT MORE about what they are experiencing and how they want to be supported.

Get information from the person first. Open communication is invaluable if the person is open to discussing their problem. This is great in an ideal world. However many people, I have found, who have anxiety attacks can find discussing the issue difficult. Emotions get triggered and consequently the conversation can be confusing for both the person being supported and the supporter. Often the conversations just dont happen. When discussing any sensitive issue we can be holistic listeners. That means we listen not just with our ears but with our heart, with our eyes, and we take cues from what signals we are picking up in the other person.

The most important part of Holistic Listening that can make or break a potentially powerful conversation like this one, is to listen to what is happening inside ourselves. Listening to our own feelings means asking ourselves before, during and after discussing an issue or supporting someone through an anxiety attack, “How am I feeling?”. The answer needs to be in feeling words. For example frustrated, scared, unsure, hurt, insecure etc. Then ask what do I need right now? Trust your gut response here even if it sounds a bit strange. It might be something like, I need a break, I need to be heard, I need a hug, I need ….. Then take one action towards doing something to care for yourself. The 7 Living Essentials gives a low down on things to consider for anyone who is interested in Living Well and taking care of themselves so they can better take care of others. http://www.adorholisticliving.com/5min_cure.html
How does this help the other person in being able to rely on us next time they have a panic attack? It means the person they are caring for is being cared for. This makes the carer more empathic, intuitive and better able to hear and read the signs in the other person because they are not clouded by unattended to emotions in themselves. It might sound a bit strange but getting used to taking care of our emotions gives us a lot of ‘Carer’ stamina, resilience and effectiveness.

An additional way we can get informed is the more universal one and that is by doing our own research on the issue of anxiety attacks in general.

A wonderful website I have found to provide information about anxiety with a holistic slant is http://www.panicattacks.com.au/anxdis/index.html. I do not know this person or their background only that the information is helpful on the different types of anxiety attacks so you might better understand what you are both dealing with.

Happy self caring as well as caring for others!

Category: Aged-care, Anxiety Panic Attacks, Caring for Aging Parent, Effective Listening Skills, Emotional Health, Healthy Lifestyle, Holistic Education - Holistic Solutions, Holistic Health and Wellbeing, Holistic Living, Living Essentials, Nursing Care, Self Awareness, Spouse Care, Stress | 1 Comment »
Tags:

Posted By Alannah Dore on October 1, 2009

I am an elder! Its official. I had a wonderful day for my 50th and managed to avoid the life wasters who are now bemoaning getting old. One of them is just turning 30! Poor thing.

There is definitely no age I would like to go back to. Though every age was fantastic and challenging in its own way, I know one thing. The people who carry on about turning 40……… will look back in 10 years when they are 50 and say “I cant believe I was whinging about being 40″ and when they are 60 they will be saying “I cant believe I was complaining about being 50″ and when they are 70 they will say…………..

When my father was volunteering to deliver meals on wheels a 90 year old asked him “How old are you Len?” Dad said “I’m 74!” and the old bloke said “AHhhh you’re just a young thing!”. Its all relative!

Whats this got to do with caring?

Value YOU! and every day you are alive. Value your wellness and keep yourself well. Happy Birthday to any other post 50 Librans out there. Enjoy!

“Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.” Anon.

Category: Aging, Depression Symptoms, Emotional Health, Healthy Lifestyle, Life Lessons, Loss and Grief, No Fear, Self Awareness, Stress | No Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Alannah Dore on September 12, 2009

I did say I would post more frequently…….

The most powerful personal growth we can do to impact not just ourselves but the planet, is simple and humble- Emotional Evolution’. (or you could say ‘Happily Emotionally Evolving’) This is the foundation to all healing and TRUE growth on the planet. As we mature emotionally, we feel good and happy. Good, happy, people make good, happy, decisions. This spreads through the community and everyone eventually benefits. A powerful springboard for this emotional growth is our relationships and what we bring to them from our experiences growing up and as an adult. There is always some thing to learn and life just gets better and better with each lesson. May you be open to the amazing possibilities of emotional evolution by supporting your emotions holistically with your mind, your physical body, your heart and your spirit! May you embrace every lesson your relationships bring you so that you never feel like your losing in life rather winning or learning.

Category: Anxiety Panic Attacks, Conflict, Depression Symptoms, Emotional Health, Family, Healthy Lifestyle, Holistic Education - Holistic Solutions, Holistic Living, Life Lessons, Living Essentials, Parenting, Self Awareness, Stress, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Alannah Dore on July 31, 2009

When feeling overwelmed and over it all, it is worth noting the final message of an 84 year old man who was soon to die.

 If I Had My Life to Live Over

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER, I’D TRY TO MAKE MORE MISTAKES NEXT TIME.

I WOULD RELAX, I WOULD LIMBER UP.

I WOULD BE CRAZIER THAN I’VE EVER BEEN ON THIS TRIP.

I KNOW VERY FEW THINGS I’D TAKE SERIOUSLY ANYMORE.

I WOULD TAKE MORE CHANCES, I WOULD TAKE MORE TRIPS,

I WOULD SCALE MORE MOUNTAINS, I WOULD SWIM MORE RIVERS, AND I WOULD WATCH MORE SUNSETS.

I WOULD EAT MORE ICE CREAM AND FEWER BEANS

I WOULD HAVE MORE ACTUAL TROUBLES AND FEWER IMAGINARY ONES.

YOU SEE… I WAS ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WHO LIVED PROPHYLACTICALLY AND SENSIBLY AND SANELY

HOUR AFTER HOUR AND DAY AFTER DAY.

OH, I’VE HAD MY MOMENTS, AND IF I HAD TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, I’D HAVE MANY MORE OF THEM.

IN FACT, I’D TRY NOT TO HAVE ANYTHING ELSE, JUST MOMENTS, ONE AFTER ANOTHER, INSTEAD OF LIVING SO MANY YEARS AHEAD OF MY DAY.

I’VE BEEN ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO NEVER WENT ANYWHERE WITHOUT A THERMOMETER, A HOT WATER BOTTLE, A GARGLE, A RAINCOAT AND A PARACHUTE.

IF I HAD IT TO DO ALL OVER AGAIN,

I’D TRAVEL LIGHTER, MUCH LIGHTER THAN I HAVE.

I WOULD START BAREFOOT EARLIER IN THE SPRING

AND STAY THAT WAY LATER IN THE FALL

AND I WOULD RIDE MORE MERRY-GO-ROUNDS

AND PICK MORE FLOWERS, AND DANCE MORE OFTEN…

IF I HAD IT TO DO ALL OVER AGAIN

BUT YOU SEE

I DON’T.

                                                          From; The Journal of Humanistic Psychology. 

Today I am going to start by sitting quietly for 5 minutes and checking in with my thoughts and feelings. If I find anything there that needs some support I will do a process to take care of that. Then having put some self love in action I am able to take the focus off the difficulties in caring for a beautiful headstrong 16 year old daughter. I am walking in the forest today and my mind and heart will be in it to the fullest. AHHHHHH holistic living! Have a great day!

yours in holistic happiness

Alannah

Category: Emotional Health, Healthy Lifestyle, Holistic Education - Holistic Solutions, Holistic Healing, Holistic Health and Wellbeing, Holistic Living, Living Essentials, Self Awareness, Stress | 1 Comment »
Tags:

Posted By Alannah Dore on July 19, 2009

A 'Cloudy Blue' Day - Sweet Sorrow

People often say that there are many different ways to grieve. The differences are to be respected. However in my experience personally and professionally when counselling clients, that there are better ways to grieve that fit more with the human condition.

We have been given tears and a voice and a body to express what we need to express  and create less stress. We have also been given an intellect that can determine emotionally safe times, places and people to grieve around. Unfortunately it seems that in the Western world grieving is minimised. This happens to the detriment of our own health and happiness. 

Another problem that makes grieving difficult, is that dying is often seen as a failure. The newspapers talk about ‘losing the fight with cancer’ which is understandable if it is someone in their prime, yet even if the person has lived a long, loving, full life this attitude still gets tagged onto many such deaths. In earlier days doctors spoke of ‘a good death’ (Ref; Dr Youngson) yet now the topic is often seen as morbid and to be avoided. The ritual funeral arrangements are now being minimised with maybe a short chapel service, a quick cremation and only the select family present or none at all.  

In many cultures people wear a symbol big or small when someone they love has recently died. This reminds others that there is something happening emotionally for them inside, underneath the busyness of day to day living. Not so in our culture. The care required to be extended to people grieving, is too often quickly forgotten not long after the funeral. The grieving person is encouraged to react unnaturally to a natural process.

Even if a person appears to be ’coping’ they are still grieving and sensitivity from others will go along way. 

What is ‘coping’ anyway? Is is the person who displays little or no emotion? In fact the person who is really coping,  is the person who can let go of the feelings at the appropriate times such as a funeral and after untill the grieving has run its course. The one everyone described as ‘coping’ may be still struggling with stuck feelings many months or years later because they never gave themselves time to grieve well. That is, they never took the time to feel and express their grief safely.  

Its good to hold on untill we are around people who allow free expression of our grief. Those who are so afraid of their own tears that they need to say “there, there, no more crying, lets do something so you can forget…”. So the tears stop and get stuffed down again and they say “thats better!”. No it was better when the bodies natural need to release was happening.

Yes, there is a time for holding on, but not to do so indefinitely. Plenty of studies show that suppressing feelings – and there are plenty that are tied up with the grieving process- is NOT GOOD for our health or our relationships. Sadly this can be fertile ground for cultivating depression or anxiety attacks later. The important thing is that where ever there is an expression of feelings there needs to be healthy boundaries. 

Learning to feel safe with our own feelings is not an easy thing to do if you are like many people who have been encouraged to stuff down their feelings. If you have been told that emotions are weak. If you have been told that it is strong to not show emotions.

Rubbish! On the contrary “In my vulnerability lies my strength!!!! ” Why? Because I can get on with living and being happy when I am not dragging a suitcase or 10 of emotional baggage behind me.

When my mother died 11 years ago I set aside a bit of time each Friday to look at the photos, listen to her beautiful recorded soprano voice singing ‘Ave Maria’, and the tears would flow. I did this for the first three months. By doing this I became in charge of my feelings, my feelings were not in charge of me. Because they get attention they do not take me by surprise like some attention seeking child, and come out when I least expect it, where I least want them to and with someone I feel does not understand. After 12 months the tears and pain had pretty well been shed. Now its time again. So all I have to do is play one little note on the harmonica and its amazing all these feeling that for the rest of the week seemed non existence start to stir.

Meanwhile, while the tears and the odd tantrum (remember the stages of grief) flow, I may even learn to play the harmonica half as good as my father could.

Bob Dylan eat your heart out!

Category: Aged-care, Aging, Anxiety Panic Attacks, Caring for Aging Parent, Depression Symptoms, Emotional Health, Family, Friends, Healthy Lifestyle, Holistic Education - Holistic Solutions, Holistic Health and Wellbeing, Holistic Living, Loss and Grief, No Fear, Self Awareness, Stress | 2 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Alannah Dore on June 23, 2009

It has been 3 weeks now since my father died. I have to remind myself daily, that there is no need to go to him. For those of you who are caring for someone who is elderly or dying this is a huge part of the journey. Preparing yourself for the loss. If this spells the end of intensively caring for them then it is a time for recuperation for you as well! Yet  “Oh, what a strange mixture of feelings!” Relief, disbelief, sadness, anger, happiness, comfort, fear, concern….. what else?

The stages of grief by Elizabeth Kubler Ross are worth noting in oneself to get a sense of understanding and reassurance of what is going on, not just in the case of death but in ANY CARING SITUATION.

In short they include

Denial

Anger

Depression

Bargaining

Acceptance

Any loss not just a death can bring about these stages.

There will be someone experiencing LOSS of some sort.    This may be in theirs and your external life or inner life. Maybe its loss of time, loss of sleep, loss of freedom, loss of independence, even sometimes loss of love! And a multitude of other things.

Often these losses become so great for both involved, or one or the other, that the opportunities for growth appear unreachable. Somes days can be worse and some better.

A saying my father used to quote to me when he reflected on the years looking after my mother was ”We used to just take ‘one day at a time’. That’s about the best we could do”. In those years through all the hard ship they had amazing days of laughter and fun and other days of grief and loss.

Emotions are incredible  really. Over the last 5 weeks I have felt every emotion imaginable. From anger to sorrow to rapturous joy. The most important thing to keep myself balanced, was to acknowledge what I was feeling along the way. Sometimes I had to wait for a private moment and other times I was able to simply say a feeling word to myself while giving my father a drink or preparing his clothes for the next day or some other activity involved in caring for him.

Especially when strong feelings were playing out, for what ever reason I could say in my mind “Right now I am feeling….”. Such a simple thing yet it kept me conscious and grounded every minute especially when things were getting tough emotionally.  This can have the effect of releiving a bit of the pressure cooker type build up in side. Naming feelings is a powerful technique for maintaining a sense of control in emotionally charged situations.

As you do, remind yourself that ALL your feelings are ok! Its what we do or don’t do with them that counts. So permission to be human – a ‘feeling’ human being is a sensitive, open hearted, human being!

Right now I am feeling……………..peaceful and calm……………………and sleepyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 

Further Reading

Grief Rebuilding your life after bereavement by DR R.M. Youngson (good for clients)

On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler Ross (more suitable for the practitioner)

Counselling the Dying by Margaretta K Bowers, Edgar N Jackson, James A Knight and Lawrence LeShan

A Child Dies J.H. Arnold & P.B. Gemma

On Children and Death by Elizabeth Kubler – Ross

Category: Aged-care, Anxiety Panic Attacks, Caring for Aging Parent, Depression Symptoms, Disability Care, Emotional Health, Healthy Lifestyle, Holistic Education - Holistic Solutions, Holistic Health and Wellbeing, Holistic Living, Living Essentials, Loss and Grief, No Fear, Nursing Care, Parenting, Pet Care, Self Awareness, Spouse Care, Stress | 3 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Alannah Dore on June 23, 2009

Eeeeeeeeeek! Wellbeing is not a competition but boy sometimes it seems like mine and someones elses needs are clashing. I used to drive a couple of hours for the first few months of being with my father. Then on top of all the physical and mental challenges the bushfire season here in Southern Aussie was at its worst earlier this year and we had to relocate him from his beloved home. Sounds simple logical and practical but as you can appreciate if we are taking care of ourselves and the person we care for holistically then emotional wellbeing is as important as all the physical stuff.

Lets come back to that one another day (or 20).  One consequence of this move for me, was that the drive became another 40 minutes longer each way. “YAY! how can I turn this into an opportunity?” I thought especially since the return trip home began only after he was tucked into bed around 10pm. Well I know it might sound crazy but it DID become an opportunity, so long as my attitude stayed in that place and I didnt focus on how late it was, how long it was, how early I had to get up the next morning.

This opportunity came to my awareness on the drive up. I so often look ahead or down, yes wel its a good idea to look ahead when you are driving- it was not exactly a challenging road though for driving it looked the same from one hour to the next. Every now and then though I looked UP and it was spectacular! Puples, gold light, sunsets, sunrises, clear blue, deep purple on stormy days. It reminded me to look up every day not just on these days.

I remind you or if necessary I urge you, to LOOK UP TODAY and connect to you beyond mundane existence. Ponder infinity! The clouds! The Sky! The Sun and the Planets and then your place in it all! YOUR WELLBEING DEPENDS ON IT (and lots of other things to). I remind myself everyday its a choice what I do with my thoughts and how I intrepet my life! Its a choice to what I focus on visually, mentally and emotionally

Yours in holistic happines

Alannah

Category: Aged-care, Aging, Caring for Aging Parent, Emotional Health, Holistic Education - Holistic Solutions, Holistic Healing, Holistic Health and Wellbeing, Holistic Living, Self Awareness, Stress | 4 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Alannah Dore on June 9, 2009

Welcome Wonderful Carers! 

Category: Emotional Health, Holistic Health and Wellbeing | 7 Comments »
Tags: